"the film and death"

First sketches for a couple paintings I may do for a friend. I don't think they're there yet, but it's enough to start painting from, to see what happens. The sketches might look lame right now, but suffice it to say I have a theme for a series of paintings that I'm excited about - I hope to turn it into an art show this fall / winter.

The following is something I found on my computer from a month ago. I spewed it out at a frustrated moment when my film felt like it was taking forever to complete. I've learned a hell of a lot about life while making this film. My way of living has been completely reworked; I don't wrestle with myself nearly as much as I used to (knock on wood).

THE FILM AND DEATH:

I panic when its end date is extended because that means the rest of my life is shorter,

As if my life is wasted right now, I’m not counting this as living, (as a bright goldfinch streaks past the brush, spits of rain on my laptop and backs of the hands)

I’ve been considering death lately. Like, “what would happen if I died now?” or “What if I drove the car off the road right now?”

I think these things are related. I’ve stopped seeing life in the “right now”. For some reason I’m judging this as a purgatory before I can go on with living.

Something tells me it’s because I’m not making money. Because I’m not making money this time must be useless.

RATHER, because I’m not making money, this time is crucial. It’s absolutely an amazing time that I should not take for granted. All the shit and uncertainty and hate and loathing as well – those are periods to go through to realize that this now is life, and really, whatever comes after this will have the same challenge of BEING THERE, accepting it, and doing it in the present, without thinking “what’s next”, or “I have to do something else”. What I’m doing now is all there is, nothing is good or bad about it. My life is only now. Don’t compare or judge, be real be there.