Thursday, August 11, 2011

fuck it

I've had two problems in the last two weeks with my main computer. It's my work PC, and I don't even have it hooked up to the internet.

These issues have wasted days of work, and it's certainly not the first time this kind of thing has happened. It's so frustrating for my flow to stop so abruptly, with no warning, and with no easy fix. It's not like I ran out of paint or the weather turned bad. The fucking thing just stopped and I don't know how much work I lost.

This frustration has been going on for a couple years now. I'm no longer interested in spending my days on a computer. I'm tired of pressing a button and waiting for a result, sitting still, feeling bored, feeling like only one part of my brain is working at once, while the rest of my brain and my entire body wallows.

I want to be doing work that I never want to retire from. I want to imagine myself doing that work until I'm 60, 70, 80. I want to imagine myself happy and relaxed, not tense and hunched over and needing to stretch my body and mind and spirit.

I certainly don't imagine myself being happy if I'm creating a fucking boot CD at 11:00 pm at age 65 so I can continue working. So why am I doing it now? Life's too short. It's time to make a change.

I've been looking at going back to school to do an Interdisciplinary PhD, through Landscape Architecture and Ecology. (It's a long story, and maybe it'll come out in this blog sometime). I feel like I can use my mind on that, face a lot of challenges, be creative, be passionate, be outside, and make a difference.

Also, I love to paint. I know I will happily paint for the rest of my life - until I'm blind, at least. Then I'll probably write poems.

I may still animate at times, and I may direct films, write stories, create a graphic novel, or do any number of things I haven't even imagined yet. But I think my days of being a 3D Computer Animator are nearing their end. It's time to evolve and grow and move on. Happily.

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